Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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