you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
