dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
