two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
