that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
