I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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