i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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