I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
