Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
