I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
