what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
