whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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