going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
