So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
