I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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