You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
