can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
