Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
