Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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