So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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