seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
