There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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