How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
