He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
