I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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