I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
