hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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