so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
