This is not my ceiling
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
