ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You are a genius and a whore.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
