someone get that fucking seahorse.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
