I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize