I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
