am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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