guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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