i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
