he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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