Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
