My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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