how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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