So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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