Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
