I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
