It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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