8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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