Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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