I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
