I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
