3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
