a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
