im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
