I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
