She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
