sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
