I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
