i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
