my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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