ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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