i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
