i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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